- A stranger from Emma's world on our beach. Why am I surprised?
- And another stranger. Today is very...social.
Strangers in Strange Times
Fate works in mysterious ways. I am convinced more and more that there are ties binding people together. I met the father of Emma’s son, Henry, today. Neal landed on our beach and I knew right away he dressed in the strange garments of Emma and Snow. I don’t like all this crossover, it’s messy and confusing. But fate brought us together for a reason. I’m sure of it. Neal is the son of Rumplestiltskin, a very powerful magician with very questionable morals.
But Neal is different. He seems honorable, determined not to be what people expect of him. That I can respect.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. My mind seems full, I think recording my thoughts may help me make sense of them. I feel so out of place, out of sync and purposeless lately. Aurora and Phillip are doing so much to help rebuild their kingdom. I merely observe and protect. I’m glad Neal came when he did. Journeying with him has brought me challenges and purpose. I feel like a warrior again. But he has also made me think and doubt as I have not. I suppose I was comfortable with the situation, I was finding a way to cope with the lack of activity. But Neal has changed that. He speaks openly of regret and love. He is fighting for Emma because of his love for her. I feel I need to find that drive in myself again.
So I am helping him, and now Robin Hood, who we stumbled upon in Neal’s father’s castle today. Another moment when the strings of fate seem almost to glint in the sunlight upon these meetings. I have a feeling there is more to this Robin Hood than meets the eye, but he seems trustworthy enough for now. I just hope to help Neal on his quest. I feel I may be able to learn a lot from him, about the other world and his father and Emma’s family. Maybe this will help me find my purpose again. I need to find my future.
Risk, Strength and Change
Risks. I have been avoiding risks. I have been afraid. How can I call myself a warrior when fear is ruling me? I’m going to say it today. I’m going to tell the person I care about most in the world how I feel. I would cross realms like Neal to make the relationship work, but I doubt I will ever get the chance. My love loves another. That’s why I have paused so long, hid everything I felt even from myself. Where is the strength so many have praised me for?
Thank goodness for Neal. His passion, his strength, his regret have all forced me to acknowledge how I feel. And Robin offered me a home among his merry men. I was tempted to just flee. Find a new home without ever acknowledging aloud these emotions I have been hiding for months. I was ready to walk away a coward.
No more. I’m going to confess my feelings today. I’m going to find out how that person, the one who has consumed my thoughts for months, even when they weren’t right in front of me. I know it will change everything. I can’t just sit around Aurora and Phillip smiling and pretending any longer. Today I make my feelings known.
I don my armor once again, but never have I faced a challenge like this. Today, I decide the future for myself.
I am a coward. But I’m not ashamed. Before, everything was about my feelings and keeping myself safe. Now it’s about Aurora. Well, more so than before. It’s about her and Phillip and now their child. I can’t be the one to break up the family. So I’m going to join a family of my own. Robin Hood’s band of Merry Men. I’m used to being around that many men. It will give me new memories to replace my time with Aurora. I’m finally admitting it now. It feels good to get it on the table. I’m going to use this one entry, this one time, to let myself admit everything, and then it will be behind me and I won’t dwell like this again.
Her hair. It curls, and shines, and always looks perfect, even after waking up from the sleeping curse. Her eyes are so big, her smile so sweet. She has such strength, fighting to prove herself constantly just like me. I think I loved her before I saw her on that bier. All that time with Phillip, the way he described her kindness and beauty. And when I saw her, it was like she was more than I could have imagined. And every kiss, every hug, every loving glance between her and Phillip felt like daggers wounding me. But I stayed. I stayed with her to look for Phillip, to reunite them. I stayed to help her, listen to her worries and protect her from harm. I woke up in the morning with thoughts of her lingering in my mind from dreams, and her image lulled me to sleep each night.
And yet I managed to convince myself this was never love. It was friendship with a woman, it meant always worrying about how to make her happy and if I was being too hard on her. I thought it was fine, everything was fine just as it was, the three of us happy together. And she thought I loved Phillip. I didn’t correct her, there was such fear in me of losing the precious and rare bond we had built. So I deceived her. And myself. But that’s behind me now. I wish Aurora, Phillip, and their child the most blissful happiness and peace. But I must stop following. No more will my emotions control me. I will walk the path of the warrior again, and maybe find the place I truly belong.